Victorino Knifes Reyes, Mets Come Away with Win

The Mets came away with win Thursday night, but All-Star shortstop Jose Reyes almost did not come away with his life. During a rundown between first and second in the eighth inning of last night’s game, Phillie’s centerfielder Shane Victorino pulled out a shiv and knifed Reyes between the ribs. First base umpire Bill Welke made an obstruction call on Reyes, who lay in the fetal position on the base path, holding his side, which was bleeding profusely. Reyes, who had earlier hit a home run, was patched up between innings. He would finish the game, but not without pain. “Anytime you get stabbed in a game, you gotta tough it out,” Reyes said to SNY reporter Kevin Burkhardt. “Omar was talking about edge a few days ago, you know, so I couldn’t let a little shank get under my skin.” When Burkhardt jokingly asked Reyes if the pun was intended, he was met with a vacant, confused stare.

Shane Victorino in the midst of a rundown, moments before making an attempt on the life of Jose Reyes

The biggest blow, perhaps, came after the knifing, when Phillies rightfielder Jayson Werth hit a two-run home run to left field to cut the Mets lead to 7-5. Werth rounded the bases, stepping on Reyes, who still lay on the ground. Mets’ veteran first baseman Carlos Delgado eventually helped Reyes up as Feliciano got through the inning.
The Mets won the game, but the feeling in the clubhouse was not celebratory. Mike Pelfrey, who tossed 7 effective innings, went largely ignored. Manager Jerry Manuel, who has been ejected for arguing the obstruction call on Reyes and later arrested for punching Welke’s wife in the mouth, had his postgame interview from a local Flushing precinct. “This kinda shit is nonsensical. The game was ours, yet these muthafuckin’ Wleke and Hernandez muthafuckas are all up in my shit fo’ no fuckin’ reason. My boys are out there playing hard, and they get shit on for it. Then we got one of my best players getting’ shanked like he’s in one of these cells. I gotta tell you, my brutha, we can’t put up with this oppression fo’ much longa. Shit’s gonna get serious.” Manuel was released later that night, as Sandy Alomar posted bail.

The rivalry between the Mets and the Phillies is getting hotter, with the Mets winning three of the first four games played between the two. The general concensus from the clubhouse is that it won’t get cold any time soon. “I’m known for my high heat, but Victorino is going to get to know it a lot better the next time I face him,” threatened John Maine, the Mets fourth starter. “96 to the dome. BOOM! It’ll be like Gallagher hitting one of those watermelons.” The next series between the Mets and Phillies will be during the second week in June, at Citi Field. “We’ll see what’s up then,” Maine concluded as he left the clubhouse.
The NL East is getting hotter, and both teams will look to show off their dominance as Summer approaches.

Santana to Undergo New Elbow Surgery

After experiencing elbow tightness during the second week of Spring Training, Mets ace Johan Santana flew to New York to have surgery performed on his pitching elbow. “We’re just being very, very cautious right now,” said manager Jerry Manuel. “With a guy as talented and as crucial to success as Johan is, you have to take baby steps. We need to make sure he can perform at the elite level everyone is accustomed to.” The surgery, described by Manuel as “Tommy John’s cousin”, will not replace a ligament in the arm of Santana, but add another one. The procedure is the first of it kind, and many were skeptical of it’s success. “How does that even work?” asked former manager Willie Randolph, who was dismissed by the Mets in June of 2007. “What does that ligament attach to? None of this makes sense.” Reporters asked around the league for their input, and Phillies ace and fellow southpaw Cole Hamels responded. “Another ligament? Why? So they can choke it away?” The opinion of this surgery is overwhelmingly negative.

Once the surgery is complete, Santana will have another ligament, which will make his fastball and changeup "bitchin' awesome," as described by his teammates.

The Mets and Santana hope that the surgery will both cure the elbow tightness and give him increased durability and flexibility in his pitching arm. “If it all goes well, then, you know, I’ll be back to where I was last season. And seasons before that. I just want to be able to play, to help this team, and we all think this is the best way.”

The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, March 3, but Santana will stay in the hospital until at least thursday, then return to the team as early as Friday. The hope is that the Mets will be able to have Santana start sometime next week.

“The sooner the better,” Santana said Monday. “I just want to get out there and throw. Hopefully this surgery will allow me to do that.”

Mets to Universe: “You’re Fucked Now!”

There was a certain glee in the visitor’s clubhouse at Nationals Park last night. The New York Mets had just swept the lowly Washington Nationals, bringing them back to first place, a game ahead of the rival Phillies. In this series, there was a sense that everything had gone right for the Mets. The bullpen was able to secure a win for Johan Santana, Brian Stokes pitched the last 4 innings of Wednesday’s game after Maine left to prepare for his bullpen role, and the runs came in droves. If one moment stands above all the others in this series, it is what catcher Brian Schneider did. Throughout his career, Schneider has been known as a purely defensive catcher. His offense was, in a word, poor. With a career batting average of .253 and a total of 50 home runs over the last nine seasons, Schneider is far from being a threat at the plate. But in the fifth inning of last night’s game, Schneider catapulted a home run to centerfield off starting pitcher Collin Balester, brining the Met lead to 4-0. The reaction in the dugout: “Dear God.”

Brian Schneider, wrecking shit all over the place

The offense of the Mets has started and stopped many times this season, teasing fans with great outings, then lapses where they cannot seem to buy a run. But the offense came together in this series, capped off with Schneider’s dinger. “I’ve hit plenty of home runs in my career, and I know the feeling,” said slugging first basemen Carlos Delgado, who also homered. “But that kind of thing is expected of guys like me and David [Wright] or Carlos [Beltran]. But you know we’ve got the offense working when our boy Brian is going yard.” Schneider is a very likeable man, according to clubhouse sources. His lack of offensive production has not diminished his status, as he manages the pitching staff as well as anyone. “He dossa goo yob of keeping me focus during the game,” said starting pitcher Oliver Perez. “Sometime I losed da focus, but he keep me on track.” When asked about the home run, Perez expressed shock, as he had not been paying attention.

Shocked happiness hung like a cloud in the locker room after the game. David Wright, third basemen for the Mets, was still in disbelief. “When Brian is up there, we don’t expect anything. When he hit that ball, I thought to myself ‘Alright, its Brian. Fly out.’ But I was wrong. Shit, I’m surprised he made enough contact to even consider a fly out. Any ball he hits seems to go right to an infielder, and slowly at that. This home run is good for him, for us.”

The post game conference with manager Jerry Manuel was rather lively following the sweep of Washington. “Once that motherfucker starts hitting home runs, you know we in bidness. We got Delgado and Wright up there in the middle, then Schneider in the back. We got a lineup that will wreck your shit across the motherfucking planet. Baseball better watch out now, they shit is done! We got a guy at the back of the lineup, the fucking 8 spot, who can hit a ball 600 feet every at bat. Who got dat? Huh? You? Nah. You ain’t shit. We’re fucking stacked now. Watch out Philly! Brian’s rollin’ in!”

Schneider was just happy the Mets were winning games again.

Massive Trade Sends Omar Vizquel to New York

In a huge move, New York Mets general manager Omar Minaya traded John Maine, Mike Pelfrey, Joe Smith, Aaron Heilman, Scott Schoeneweis, Billy Wagner, Brian Schneider, David Wright, and Nick Evans for veteran shortstop Omar Vizquel. The trade came as a shock to all involved, except Minaya. “The team has struggles, and as GM I’ve got to make a move to stir things up, youknowwhatimsayin?” Minaya told reporters at a press conference that introduced Vizquel as the newest member of the New York Mets ball club. “The trade deadline is almost upon us, and I think I was able to make the team better.” Vizquel is an accomplished infielder, with eleven gold gloves (nine consecutive from 1993 to 2001) and an assumed hall of fame entry. While Vizquel is only batting .185 so far, Minaya claims the move for Vizquel was made to solve nagging defensive problems.

Injuries have plagued the Mets in 2008, with both corner outfielders currently out (and one, Moises Alou, certain to not return) as well as a gap in the second base position, left by Luis Castillo. Minaya expects Vizquel to meet the defensive needs of the team. “I have full faith in Omar. You can’t argue with eleven gold gloves.” When asked if he thought this move would cripple the team for years, Minaya laughed. “We now have the strongest defensive team in baseball. With Jose [Reyes], Omar [Vizquel], and Carlos Delgado in the infield, Beltran, Vizquel, and Vizquel in the outfield, there is no way we can’t make a post season run.” Reporters for the New York Times asked Minaya if he intended to push for bullpen help, but he silenced the question before it ended. “I’ve got it all under control. While Omar [Vizquel] is playing shortstop and both corner outfield positions, he will pitch both the seventh and eighth innings.”

Omar Vizquel brandishing one of his many Gold Glove awards, which Minaya is sure he will bring to New York

Giants manager Bruce Bochy expressed both shock and glee when he heard the news. “Losing Omar is tough, as he’s been with us for so long, but Jesus, that’s a ton of talent we’re getting back! I mean, having young guys like Pelfrey and Maine to back up the struggling Zito, we can expect to win every day! And David Wright? Dear god, I hope this isn’t some kind of terrible, awful joke.” When it was confirmed, Bochy broke down into tears of joy.

The move is controversial not only because it seemingly weakens the team, but Omar Minaya managed to get every white player off the 25-man roster in exchange for a Hispanic player in one fell swoop. “This has nothing to do with race. It was talent-for-talent, an equal exchange. I want to help Los Met-err, The New York Mets. I wanted to help in diversifying baseball, and I believed this trade makes strides. I mean, I’ve got a black manager, so that counts, right?” To even out the roster, Omar called up Fernando Martinez, Anderson Hernandez, Chris Aguila, Claudio Vargas, Edgar Alfonzo, the rehabbing Orlando Hernandez, Jose Sanchez, and Ambiorix Concepcion. The Roster is about 90% Hispanic, a point Minaya shys away from. “Once again, race played no part in this. This is all about getting the team to playoff caliber. Los Mets will take this division and go deep into the post season!”

Jerry Manuel was found in the visiting dugout of Dolphins Stadium, clutching his knees and sobbing softly. “My team…destroyed…”

Omar Vizquel will join the team on August 1^st for the opening game against the Houston Astros. Until then, the Mets will be playing without the players Minaya exchanged in the trade.

“Boo Us,” Pleads Mets Bullpen

In an astonishing, heart-breaking loss to the rival Philadelphia Phillies, the Mets bullpen denizens applauded their own effort in handing over first place. “With a ten-game winning steak behind you, you get a lot of cheers out there,” said reliever Duaner Sanchez, who took over the ninth-inning role for the incapacitated closer Billy Wagner. “You miss the boos, and it gets to you. Now that we got the boos back, it feels like everything is right again.” The Mets bullpen, which had been stellar during the aforementioned ten-game winning streak, fell back into old habits by surrendering a late-inning lead. “I’m glad Jerry [Manuel] trusted me to blow this. It’s an honor,” Sanchez added.

The Phillies, having been tied for first place with the Mets until the start of Tuesday night’s game, now have sole possession once again. MVP shortstop Jimmie Rollins, who gave the Phillies the lead with a two-run double, gave the Mets bullpen most of the credit. “That kind of thing is hard to do. We [Phillies] haven’t been hitting in the clutch too good, but with an effort like that from the Mets bullpen, we feel a lot better. If they keep doing this, we’ll feel much more confident down the stretch.”

Jimmie Rollins praising Satan for his clutch ninth-inning hit

Aaron Heilman, the last Mets reliever to make an appearance in the ninth-inning meltdown, was disappointed with his performance. “They put me in there, and I heard some scattered cheers,” Heilman said sadly. “I remember the shower of boos I would receive whenever I came out. I thought that first walk would do the trick, but nothing. They had all this hope, and I did nothing to crush it. Of course it was me who had to get that last out. I wish I was Pedro [Feliciano]. Now that’s how you pitch in clutch situations.” Heilman received jeers from his teammates, but he just smiled, adding “I miss those boos. I knew I was contributing to the team then.”

Pedro Feliciano, one of the Mets steadier relievers, found how much he enjoyed being boo’d. “It’s certainly new,” he said in the clubhouse. “I used to get key outs and that was great, but that’s nothing like this. It’s incredible.” Feliciano left the clubhouse momentarily, but returned to add “I hope they boo us more down the stretch.”

Met fans, who have been booing more than ever at Shea Stadium in 2008, brought back their rally call. “BOOOOOOOO,” yelled one fan as Jose Reyes failed to record an out on a chopper. “YOU GUYS FUCKIN’ SUCK!” The incompetent ninth-inning pitchers relished it. “It’s magical” reliever Scott Schoeneweis said. “I used to get boo’d here all the time. I’ll cherish those memories.”

If there was one regret the Mets bullpen had, it was “I wish we had given up more runs,” put succinctly by Joe Smith, the losing pitcher.

Jerry Manuel, the manager of the Mets, was found in the parking lot after the post-game conference strangling Pedro Feliciano in his left hand and Duaner Sanchez in his right.

Mets, Manuel Show Signs of Resignation to 2008 Campaign

After a tough loss against the St. Louis Cardinals, which ended in a walk off solo home run from for third basemen Troy Glaus, the Mets breathed a collective sigh of resignation. The crack of the bat echoed across Busch Stadium, and a moment of uncertainty blanketed the crowd when it appeared as though outfielder Endy Chavez had made a game-saving catch. He did not come up with the ball, and the Mets did not come up with a win. “Un-buh-fucking-lievable,” manager Jerry Manuel said coldly as ecstatic Cardinals stormed home plate. Carlos Muniz, the losing pitcher, was heard muttering “Fuck it, I was going back to New Orleans anyhow” as he slowly walked off the mound. In a season that has been an utter disappointment, it now appears as though the Mets, as an organization, have given up.

Damion Easley, starting at second base for the injured Luis Castillo, went 3 for 4 with 3 runs batted in. When asked by a reporter about his feelings toward this season, he spoke in ominous terms. “You know what? Fuck this shit. This is fucking retarded. I mean, really. What the fuck?” He would not speak further, opting instead to shuffle into the visitor’s clubhouse. Jerry Manuel mirrored Easley’s comments in the post-game press conference. “I know you face a lot of tough breaks in a season, but Jesus fucking Christ, this shit is getting out of hand. We were down; we came back, then BAM! Lead gone, game gone. Fuck this. Fucking bullshit.” Manuel abruptly stood up, kicked the folding chair across the room, and stormed out, mumbling “I’m fucking done.”

This attitude comes as a surprise to many. After the firing of Willie Randolph, it seemed that the Mets, as a team, would be inspired to compete harder and play to the limit of their ability. The managerial change has had little impact on the Mets gameplay, as they still remain below the .500 mark. It seems as though nothing can remedy the situation, especially with the team’s new outlook. Ryan Church, who collected two hits in the game raising his average to a healthy .310, was incredulous. “I was on the DL, and it killed me to watch my teammates struggle. Then I come back, get a shitload of hits every night, and nothing comes from it. This is fucking stupid.” Church continued changing, adding a morose “God damn it.”

The Mets play the final game of their series with the Cardinals tonight at 8:10, with fans hoping for a split. The players, however, are indifferent. “What fucking difference does it make?” asked a bewildered David Wright. “I’ve brought my average up 20 points in the last two weeks, and we’re still holding our dicks under .500. Fucking…” Wright did not finish his thought, his eyes glazed over as he stared into space.

Mike Pelfrey takes the mound tonight, and his outlook is on par with that of his teammates and coaches. “I lost like, 5 fucking starts in a row and there was no consequence. It doesn’t seem like anything I do, win or lose, makes any difference. At least Peterson is gone. That guy didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. At least if I win, I can get a good contract once I reach free agency. But for now, what can I say? Fuck this shit. John [Maine] doesn’t even show up anymore, unless he has to pitch. He told me he was just going to phone it in, since it doesn’t change anything.”

“Fuck,” he later added.

Mets Lose on Off Day

In what sources are calling “stunning,” the New York Mets managed to record a loss on a day in which they played no baseball. “Sometimes, you face tough breaks,” interim manager Jerry Manuel said in a post game conference. “You gotta roll with it, my brotha, there’s plenty of season ahead of us.” With this inexplicable defeat, the Mets season record falls to 35-37 and 6.5 games behind the first-place Phillies.

After a questionable firing of manager Willie Randolph, the Mets organization is scrambling for answers. General Manager Omar Minaya was found wandering around Coors Field in Denver, where the Mets are set to take on the Colorado Rockies. “That’s the game, youknowhatimsayin?” Minaya asked reporters, who encircled him to prevent escape on foot. “You can’t expect a complete bounce back. Willie was just let go, so these guys have to settle in. Pendejo!”

As a whole, the New York Mets have not lived up to the high expectations set by their 160 million dollar payroll or their close brush with World Series participation in 2006. Since then, the Mets have rarely deviated from playing .500 baseball.

David Wright, the Mets’ All-Star third basemen, was reached in the clubhouse after the non-game. “Sometimes you just can’t get it done,” Wright said, “even on off-days.” Wright closed up his locker, but stayed to speak to reporters. “Even with Willie gone, we just can’t seem to get on the right track. That’s R-I-G-H-T right, not my name. This team doesn’t need any more puns.”

In the game that wasn’t played, Wright, along with teammates Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado, combined to go 0 for 0 for the night. Hitting coach Howard Johnson had little to say. “If these guys can’t produce, it’ll be harder for the lower part of the order. Can we really rely on Brian [Schneider] to get everyone in?”

Following the game, Fred Wilpon, owner of the Mets, was found dead by his own hand in his office at Shea Stadium.