Mets to Universe: “You’re Fucked Now!”

There was a certain glee in the visitor’s clubhouse at Nationals Park last night. The New York Mets had just swept the lowly Washington Nationals, bringing them back to first place, a game ahead of the rival Phillies. In this series, there was a sense that everything had gone right for the Mets. The bullpen was able to secure a win for Johan Santana, Brian Stokes pitched the last 4 innings of Wednesday’s game after Maine left to prepare for his bullpen role, and the runs came in droves. If one moment stands above all the others in this series, it is what catcher Brian Schneider did. Throughout his career, Schneider has been known as a purely defensive catcher. His offense was, in a word, poor. With a career batting average of .253 and a total of 50 home runs over the last nine seasons, Schneider is far from being a threat at the plate. But in the fifth inning of last night’s game, Schneider catapulted a home run to centerfield off starting pitcher Collin Balester, brining the Met lead to 4-0. The reaction in the dugout: “Dear God.”

Brian Schneider, wrecking shit all over the place

The offense of the Mets has started and stopped many times this season, teasing fans with great outings, then lapses where they cannot seem to buy a run. But the offense came together in this series, capped off with Schneider’s dinger. “I’ve hit plenty of home runs in my career, and I know the feeling,” said slugging first basemen Carlos Delgado, who also homered. “But that kind of thing is expected of guys like me and David [Wright] or Carlos [Beltran]. But you know we’ve got the offense working when our boy Brian is going yard.” Schneider is a very likeable man, according to clubhouse sources. His lack of offensive production has not diminished his status, as he manages the pitching staff as well as anyone. “He dossa goo yob of keeping me focus during the game,” said starting pitcher Oliver Perez. “Sometime I losed da focus, but he keep me on track.” When asked about the home run, Perez expressed shock, as he had not been paying attention.

Shocked happiness hung like a cloud in the locker room after the game. David Wright, third basemen for the Mets, was still in disbelief. “When Brian is up there, we don’t expect anything. When he hit that ball, I thought to myself ‘Alright, its Brian. Fly out.’ But I was wrong. Shit, I’m surprised he made enough contact to even consider a fly out. Any ball he hits seems to go right to an infielder, and slowly at that. This home run is good for him, for us.”

The post game conference with manager Jerry Manuel was rather lively following the sweep of Washington. “Once that motherfucker starts hitting home runs, you know we in bidness. We got Delgado and Wright up there in the middle, then Schneider in the back. We got a lineup that will wreck your shit across the motherfucking planet. Baseball better watch out now, they shit is done! We got a guy at the back of the lineup, the fucking 8 spot, who can hit a ball 600 feet every at bat. Who got dat? Huh? You? Nah. You ain’t shit. We’re fucking stacked now. Watch out Philly! Brian’s rollin’ in!”

Schneider was just happy the Mets were winning games again.